fix(YOUR, $hearts) or die;

#!/usr/bin/env perl

# hmm. i suppose this meets the basic fix() api definition.
sub fix {
    my ($f, $s) = @_;
    print $f $s;
}

# now what can i do to make this interesting...?

# ah yes!

# i could have some fun with words in a very idomatic way...
%cut_up_acrostic = (
    "comics"     => "<",  # by the way, let me add something here

    "to"         => "s",  # just while we're able to add some comments,
    "all"        => "o",  # anyway.  but yeah, just wanted to let you
    "never"      => "m",  # know that this is totally worth reading
    "clown"      => "e",  # because some folks will enjoy it greatly.

    "confused"   => " ",  # see, i'm gonna say something that takes

    "was"        => "t",  # slightly more work to selectively remove,
    "undercover" => "r",  # so as to be better perceived, which is:
    "dea"        => "a",
    "dennis"     => "i",  # this
    "working"    => "n",  # was
    "denise"     => "s",  # written

    "colleagues" => " ",  # by

    "your"       => "c",  # a
    "used"       => "r",  # trans
    "became"     => "o",  # woman.
    "spoonful"   => "s",
    "hearts"     => "s",  # so yeah, wanted to get that off my chest.

    "are"        => " ",  # oh, are you still with me?  well, i guess i

    "had"        => "t",  # still have some space to spare, huh?  well,
    "told"       => "h",  # just so you know, this took me quite some
    "agent"      => "e",  # time to come up with.  about 4 hours now,

    "the"        => " ",  # actually.  dunno if that makes the time

    "canyon"     => "g",  # worth it, per se, but it was a nice way
    "thing"      => "h",  # to spend a few hours while recovering from
    "were"       => "a",  # a vaginoplasty, so uh.  well, okay, maybe
    "sometimes"  => "t",  # it does make it worth it in a weird way.
    "on"         => "s",  # i guess.

    "boss"       => "-",  # anyway...

    "dirt"       => ">",  # thanks for reading
);

# whee! globals are fun!
foreach my $word ( keys %cut_up_acrostic ) {
    my $c = $cut_up_acrostic{$word};
    $$word = $c;
}

# then let me just define a few subroutines...
sub grand {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $your = $grand . $a;
    $a;
}

sub fill {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $a;
}

sub before {
    my ($a, $b) = @_;
    $agent = $a;
    $the = $had . $used;
}

sub at {
    my ($a, $b) = @_;
    $are = $a . $b;
    $used = $undercover;
}

sub wild {
    my ($a, $b) = @_;
    $became = $a . $b;
    $grand = $used . $spoonful;
}

sub enough {
    my ($a, $b, $c) = @_;
    $told = $a . $b;
}

sub great {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $a;
}

sub a {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $a;
}

sub because {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $all = $a;
}

sub you {
    my ($a, $b) = @_;
    $never = $working;
    $on = $boss;
    $a . $b;
}

sub when {
    my ($a,) = @_;
    $colleagues = $a;
}

sub of {
    my ($a, $b) = @_;
    $a . $b;
}

sub i {
    ($had, $b, $c) = @_;
    $clown = $had;
    $comics = $b;
    $to = $c;
    $spoonful = $dennis;
    $never . $denise;
}

sub those {
    my ($a, $b, $c) = @_;
    open(THEIR, $a) or die "can't open their hearts";
    $hearts = "$b $c\n";
}

# and now we can just let the words stand for themselves.
before(you($were, $denise),
       when(you($were, $dennis)) and i($was, $your, $boss));
when i($had, you($working, $undercover), at($the, $dea));
you($were, a($confused) and wild($thing, $sometimes));

i($had, enough($dirt, $on, you($to, fill($the))), grand($canyon))
and i($never, $used, a($spoonful));
because you($were and $are, a(great($agent)))

and when you($became, $denise);
i($told, $all, of($your, $colleagues));
those $clown, $comics, $to;
fix(THEIR, $hearts) or die;